Aging Into Relevance: Let's Begin

"We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing."  Charles Bukowski​​​​​​​​​

People hate that I sometimes use the word "old" when describing myself. It very nearly provokes a violent reaction--the likes of which I would expect were I to use truly inflammatory language. But "old"? 

Let me explain. Calling myself old is not a form of surrender--instead it is, for me, an embrace--an acceptance if you will. Or, more accurately, embrace and acceptance as a form of preparation. In our culture, one is expected to resist aging forever, as if doing so demonstrates strength and control. But I take the opposite approach. Pretending a wave isn't coming won't stop it from crashing over you, but preparing for its arrival lets you "ride with it", resulting in a softer landing, and life beyond the crash. 

Who doesn't like a soft landing?

***

I am not sure if I am gay or queer, but I do like the way the word queer rolls off my tongue. I also like that the word holds a number of different meanings, allowing those who identify with it to "move about". My dear friend M has a longtime male friend who, in his late 50's, has decided that he is now attracted to men after a lifetime dating women. According to M, he is currently "obsessed with dick". That says a lot, while also leaving out a lot. 

Is being obsessed with dick a requirement for being gay? Maybe, but maybe not. While I have known a nice dick or two in my day, they are not my favorite part of a man by far. I much prefer the eyes and hands, and I have never turned away from a pair of sexy legs. I sometimes find myself seeking out characteristics I don't myself possess--good hairlines or nice feet--which makes me wonder if attraction to another, for me, is just one way I try to pull myself together. 

M's friend, the one who decided he is now gay, is reportedly getting lots of dick. It feels to me like he has been gayer in the last year than I have been in the last forty-five. But who's counting?

***

Sex, as a recreational activity, is "dropping in the polls", studies report. People are having less and less of it. I know this would also be true in my life were I to do a study of just myself. Does this make me less gay? No, not really. I still find men's bodies attractive, I just don't necessarily want to have sex with them anymore. Sometimes I will have sex with them in my head, and I find that very satisfying, if you know what I mean. And sometimes I will have sex with my male partner, in real life, which he seems to find very satisfying. But I could do without either for the rest of my life and still be satisfied, as long as I have a kitchen with plenty of counter space and access to fresh produce. 

Does this make me less gay? 

***

The partner I sometimes have sex with, in real life, is my fiancée--a man I am marrying next year. I suppose that I could just as well marry a woman, since sex is not the glue in our relationship at this time. But I love him, so what are ya gonna do? 

My longtime friend C once told me that she fell in love with her now-wife S after getting a glimpse of her midriff. I remember her telling me, "I just knew I wanted to put my tongue on it", or something like that. My friend, C, has never identified as lesbian, queer, or gay, she is just a woman who fell in love with, and married, another woman, S. 

Does this make her less gay? No, it just makes her more C. 

***

I am going about this marriage thing all backwards, I suspect. I am having a wedding at an age where many men are divorcing their partners. And most backwards of all, we are getting married at a point in our relationship where our sex life has diminished. And that's okay.

In no way do I find my partner less attractive. But in some ways I am less sexually attracted to him, even as my romantic and emotional attraction gets stronger. Does that make me less gay? Does that make me old? 

No, that makes 60.

I don't know how to do anybody other than me, though I am not entirely sure how to do me at 60. But I know that at this stage, I have very little interest in the version of sex that includes another person in the bed with me. I will be interested to see how this continues to unfold in my life. I do see it as an unfolding, or a re-folding, rather than an unravelling. 

***

One of my favorite clinicians and writers, Dr. Gabor Mate, once talked about how fortunate we are--the living--in the we "get to die". He said that the chances of us being born are extremely low, given that we are the product of one sperm and one egg successfully joining, and that our conception ends the prospect of thousands of other possible sperm and egg combinations, and the lives that would have resulted. His point it that those who never get to live also never get to die--dying is a privilege of the living--something that we "get" to do. 

I like this perspective. Death is part of the package, and accepting that does not have to be a downer because you are not dead--yet. As an atheist, I often will hear people say, "If you don't believe in life after death, then what is the point of life?" The point of life is, as Dr. Mate would say, to live it. The fact that a movie is going to end after a couple of hours does not cause you to throw up your hands, leave the theater, and shout, "What's the fucking point?". The point is what is experienced in that glorious two hours when the movie is taking you to other places and other lives for a period of time. 

As I accept that my life is starting to wind down, I value being alive more than I did when I was young, when it seemed as though I would live forever. Although it upsets my partner to think about me dying before he does (which I get), I encourage him to "Enjoy me now!" so that when I do go, he will have more warm memories than sad regrets. What is the point of being in a relationship with someone much older than you? The point is to be in the relationship; that is the point regardless of the difference in, or lack of difference in, ages. 

***

I recently visited with a friend who shared his anxiety around the topic of death. I get that anxiety 100%. And this is why I am embracing my age, and my "oldness". There was a time, and there still is in certain cultures, where people moved into aging with dignity, knowing that they had a purpose to fulfill. I shared with my friend some perspectives that have helped me in this process of accepting that I am no longer young. I shall now share them with you:

1. We get to die. We get to do this because we get to live. (Thank you, Dr. Mate)
2. What is the point of life? Make one up.
3. Prepping for death is like prepping for vacation. You do it well and it is less likely to be a disaster for you and for others.
4. The end of your life is not the end of your life. It is only the end of consciousness. The end of your life is when you stop living it.

There is a movie from 2022 called Living, starring the great Bill Nighy, which is based on an earlier film which itself is based on an 1886 Tolstoy novella called The Death of Ivan Ilyich. In the film, the main character makes a life-changing shift when he learns that he has a terminal illness and a short time left to live. The shift he makes involves choosing to live--something he appeared to avoid before his diagnosis. He engages with others, goes out to bars, drinks--a lot, and takes action to get a public playground built. When he dies, he appears to be happy and at peace. He died after finally living "a good life". 

In the original novella, which I have not read, they say that Tolstoy defines a good life as one marked by compassion and sympathy. While I would not disagree, I feel his definition only identifies the side-effects. I propose that rather than compassion and sympathy, intention is the defining quality of a good life. The latter produces the former. The point I want to make is that in the films and the novella, the main character has to choose to live a good life. Today, that is not a given because modern interdependence no longer requires interpersonal engagement. 

One cannot have a good life without interpersonal engagement.

As I age into being an old homo, I have an intention. I intend to live a good life. This means choosing to engage: how to engage, with whom to engage, and even when not to engage. These choices will be informed by my reflections as I review past engagements that were often not intentional. My purpose for choosing a good life is to eventually end it in peace, knowing my engagements will have a life of their own after my death. 

I invite you to engage with my reflections.