Don't Hug Me, Okay?
It has been over a year since my last post on this blog. There's not really a reason, but here's the reason. I have much to say, but not sure who I am saying it to. I write because I need to, but lately I have needed to less, perhaps because of getting older, and perhaps because there are so many other ways to spend my time. I also notice that there are a lot of people out there saying a lot of things, many of which are not worth paying attention to. But the bottom line is that I am not thrilled with the amount of passive entertainment I indulge in, so I made an intention to resume essay writing on a regular basis. You're welcome!
So here goes the restart. I am posting on this blog (I have four) because these days much of what I think about or have to say has to do with my experience of getting older (I am currently 63). My 60's are unknown territory to me, and I am making it up as I go, with the good fortune of having a lot that is still available for me to make up. That is much better than just letting age hit me square in the face. No thank you. I prefer to lean into it with eyes open and active intent. With that said, let's jump into the topic currently on my mind.
Please don't hug me. I don't care for hugs. I don't hate them, I just don't see the need for them when there are much more effective ways to show care or concern.
This is a new-ish policy for me, this non-hugging, because I grew up in the new-age era where everyone showed love and acceptance to everyone immediately. It was then I noticed that when I meeting someone new, they would respond to my offer of a handshake with a hug. I was confused at first, and frankly startled, because hugs are not a greeting I would think to give to someone I was just meeting. Friends and family I have know for a long time? Sure! But to greet a new person with a hug just felt wrong, like meeting then while going to the bathroom. But I went along with it because I was often so surprised at what was happening I did not know how else to respond.
Hugs are very personal, and very intimate (in my opinion). They are not a casual gesture (in my opinion), but a purposeful one. I am not sure why hugs became a form of casual greeting! They are offered to people you want to comfort or feel close to. They are way too intimate a greeting to be offered the first time you meet someone (in my opinion). There are exceptions, of course, but it seems to me that hugging has become the norm, rather than an option.
I do suspect the intention was benign, this decision to offer hugs more casually; perhaps it was a way to make others feel welcome or loved. But when hugs are given casually it creates a problem because it lowers the value of hugs. Hugs are something that should be asked for, or offered, not given away like candy. But by the time I noticed that the hug was replacing the handshake, it was too late. I could either make things awkward for the hugger, or I could accept the change. You gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em they say.
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As I have gotten older, I have become more reserved with my affection, both in giving it and needing it. I suspect it has to do with lowered levels of hormone production, because there is a general mellowing I feel that has softened the intensity of life a bit--not in a good or bad way, just in a way. I give less fucks, I notice, about what I get or don't get, as long as I have access to good produce and seasonal candles. My emotionality and passion have mellowed somewhat, causing me to sometimes think about my past youthful wild self as an entirely different human being. Who was that crazy kid who felt things in such a big way? He is still in there, but he pops in from the sidelines and departs in a hurry, like a teenager skateboarding past me as I sit at the bus stop.
My husband loves to hug me, or maybe he loves when I hug him back, but he has become more or less used to me expressing some sort of cringe response when he is the one doing the hugging. Can you imagine living with that? When he approaches, I tend to freeze and "look off into the distance", holding my breath until he releases me, as though he were a facehugger from the Alien movies. Not exactly endearing, to say the least. Fortunately, he does not take it personally anymore, as he knows what I am about. That doesn't mean I am okay with my behavior.
Conversely, when I hug him, I do so with complete commitment, without any reservation whatsoever. Maybe I am one of those people who would rather give than receive. Those people drive me absolutely crazy, but I have to face the truth before me that I may be one of them.
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I remember a night, long ago, when I was hanging out as a friend with a guy I had previously dated. I would go over to his place and we would watch TV--I can't remember the show--but it didn't matter because we used the TV watching as an excuse to get together, which we both enjoyed. One summer night he was in a wife beater tank top, and I noticed how sexy he looked. When I got up to leave at the end of the show, he asked, "What, no hug?" To be honest, I was nervous about hugging him because I was surprised to find myself very attracted to him in the moment. So I just laughed and made some kind of joke as though I was too cool to care about hugs, but I nonetheless opened my arms to embrace him.
I remember how he felt when he came to me. I held him close, and then pulled him even closer, smelling his neck and running my hands down his back. The erotic tension was palpable, but within a minute or so we pulled away from one another and I went on my way. That hug, the one that I remember all these years later, came from my need to touch him and hold him. Where did that need go? What even was the need?
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Our bodies are always looking for a hit, so to speak. Pleasure did not used to be so available to us, so we evolved to grab it when there was an opportunity. I have noticed that as I get older, my need for pleasure has decreased, and what has taken its place is a need (desire) for peace. It is the quintessential sitting in the rocking chair watching the kids run around like crazy scenario, except for the fact that I don't have a rocking chair, or kids.
But how I think this applies to me is that I just need less these days. Less action, less drama, less conflict, less sex, less noise. What I need more of is peace. More peace, more reflection, more observation, more conscious movement. Perhaps my body is adjusting to its new purpose as someone who is no longer likely to be looking for a mate or siring children. You know, an evolution thing. And maybe, just maybe, hugs fit into the category of things I need less of. Less intimacy, less enthusiasm, less closeness. I can feel your love from a distance, thank you very much.
But for now I am stuck in a quandary, because in trying to adjust, I fear I have given some people the impression that I am a hugger, and now I don't know how to retract that without it being even more awkward. I recently went to a family gathering, and since I so rarely see members of my family I was the one going in for hugs when they offered handshakes. I had become that person!! It felt awkward, but I noticed I could not stop myself. I tried to play it off as "casual", but inside I was just shaking my head at my behavior.
Maybe the best way forward is to just reset and give myself a fresh start. Maybe what works best is to not have a "policy" at all, but instead to respond to each person individually based on what they offer and what I feel like accepting. Or spending a moment noticing what I feel like offering rather than throwing out the default greeting. Would it kill me to take a moment before choosing?
I suspect this will be a work in progress, so don't expect a follow up success story in a year. The thing about greetings is that I am only in control of what I do, what I offer or how I respond. But that is pretty much all I have control over in the world in general, right? It's just hard sometimes to access my authentic response when confronted with another's expectations of me. I guess in the moment I'll just have to ask myself: "What would Love do?"